Why?

Every morning I wake up at around 6am and sit here wondering “What am I going to do today?” Everyday looms ahead of me like a black, empty, void. I have no idea of where I’m going, why I'm up so early and no idea of what to do to fill my day and challenge my mind.

I like to feel challenged, yes challenged, not frustrated. I enjoy learning and I miss the feeling of moving forward in my life. I know, I’m not going backwards, but I’m not going forward either. I feel as if I’m just…. here, not going anywhere.

I can’t work. Or at least I haven’t found anything that I can fit into so far. The way my illness works makes it a little difficult to make plans, commit to or promise anything. From one day to the next it’s all about how I’m feeling at the moment. Some days its migraines, the next it’s unbelievable nerve pain, then it could be complete, all over body pain. I can’t sit for long, some days not at all. I can’t stand for long, but again some days I can hardly stand at all. I can't use my arms in repetitive motion and I can't walk for long. So as I’m sure you can see by now, although maybe never really understand, it’s hard to move forward. 

I’ve tried pain medications, but Tylenol does nothing for me anymore, and I have a severe and nauseating reaction to Opiates. I have a Liver problem that limits the medications I can take so it’s kind of like a catch 22. 

I feel stuck within the limitations of my own body. So far no one, including my Physician has been able to come up with anything to make it any better, or to give me more freedom and flexibility. So I just sit here trying to fill my days with things I can do and this Blog will be one of them.

There is an extensive list of Canadian issues that has created many barriers to my ability to move forward. That’s why I’m doing this blog and trying to focus on those issues.